A little over a year ago I wrote these words:
I announced my husband and I would be moving to LA, partially because no one was reading, but also because those were the facts at the time. We’d made plans and begun working towards our move out to LA. I applied and interviewed while he networked. We did this for a year, on and off.
It didn’t work.
In a lot of ways it didn’t work because we were waiting for some golden ticket and working in a sometimes, excuse my french, half-assed manner. If I’m really honest, I didn’t want to go back to work full time and I’m POSITIVE I wasn’t my best self in my interviews. But if I’m being more realistic a move then would not have been the fantasy we were envisioning. It would have been so much harder on the whole family than we would have been prepared for and than it needed to be. We know that now.
But this post isn’t about last year or about my perceived failures, it’s about the here and now. As I type this I’m waiting for a bus to take me into the city where I now work, part time, in my old profession: HR. It’s not a passion, but I do it well and I enjoy it. Mostly.
What I enjoy even more is the freedom the work gives us. The moment I received the offer we booked tickets to visit my mom in NC, something we haven’t done in over a year and a half out of our own fiscal responsibility. Flights ain’t cheap.
What else do I enjoy? The fact that I won’t need to discuss my employment gap when interviewing for my next job. I mean, I will, but they’ll also know I am ready, willing, and able to work- a luxury I did not have this job search. (As a side note, job searching after an extended leave is a big effing mess. Don’t. Get. Me. Started.)
What do I dislike? Come on… do you even have to ask?? I miss the early morning snuggles, breakfast convos, morning playground and sprinkler sessions. Seemingly boring and routine outings to the supermarket and bank are my jam, and I even enjoy putting him down for a nap- even when it’s a struggle. When he gets up and we have to go for a round 2, I’m down.
I fucking love being a mom. Even typing that is making my eyes wet.
And even though I work part time and that time is ridiculously flexible (i.e. some of my work is done at home), and I reeeeeeally shouldn’t be complaining AT ALL since so many moms have significantly more demanding jobs than me, that doesn’t make leaving my son any easier. It doesn’t make the time I’m missing, even if it’s only a few hours, any less valuable.
Ultimately, for me, it’s not worth the money, but I know this is about way more than money. I know the few hours I’m gone a week don’t actually hurt him, especially since, due to my husband’s new schedule they get to have some much needed bonding time just the two of them. I know that if for some reason I need to return to the work force full time, this will give me a HUGE advantage. Lastly, I know that my work ethic was learned through seeing both my parents work, incredibly hard, to afford me luxuries like private school, summer vacations, and housing in safe neighborhoods. I saw that fight every day and I valued everything they gave me. I’m still so grateful for it today and carry that into my parenting.
I know all of this but my heart still aches.
Monday morning I woke him up so I could say goodbye and get a snuggle to last me all day. He climbed onto my chest and said “I want to snuggle you all day long”.
He’s not playing fair, you guys.
Still, I’m comforted in the knowledge that although we weren’t successful in getting to where we felt we needed to be last summer, it meant I was able to experience all of this over the last year:
And that’s not shabby.
The party isn’t over after all. In fact, it’s just getting started!